Define me
How would you define me. Go ahead, think of a few words before you keep reading.
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Ok, were any of those words related to my sexuality? If you answer yes you are going to surprise me and we really maybe need to sit down and talk a little more. But if I can take a guess, I’m going to take a stab and say that didn’t even come up in your top five.
So tell me why so many individuals that I know, literally define themselves based on the individual they are dating. It’s perfectly reasonable for me to assume there really is a mystic answer out there, and I just haven’t found it yet.
But for the most part, when people do that, it drives me crazy.
I can not let myself believe that a person as no other basis or spec or individuality that the only thing they can hold tight to or define themselves as is by their sexuality.
There’s this group of homosexuals I know (now let’s be honest, ALL of them are not this way) but a big portion that I’ve run into (which is certainly not saying there are a whole lot more I haven’t met) spend so much energy defining themselves by their sexuality that they almost leave no room to get to know anything else about them.
They’ve adopted their own lingo so as not to say words like “straight” – I got scolded while giving directions that the correct word is “forward” I almost slapped her. All they talk about is their sexual history, things regarding sex, how they are viewed because they are a homosexual, all they’ll watch is shows about homosexuals and listen to music by people in the “family.”
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for taking up a cause. I think it’s extremely important, and I might add attractive, to do so. But that’s not what I’m talking about in these instances. These individuals are purely defining there life by this.
Since I started dating this new individual (1 month baby) people have started defining me by that. I’m sorry, when did the core of me change based upon the person I’m dating? Pretty sure I’m still the same person.
It’s been interesting.
A pain that lingers
Riding in the car with her yesterday, she drifted off into her own heartache as she recalled how many people she’s encountered that have been sexually assaulted or rape.
And as if she had just seen someone kick a puppy or something, her anger overwhelmed her about how something so tragic could become so … standard.
Something so life changing.
She recalled gathering a group of people together of about 20 to discuss how they could help prevent the gruesome act from happening. As they started talking, what was designed to be a half-to hour-long meeting soon became an evening of tears and hugs as almost everyone in the room shared the story of how it happened to them. Encouraged by the unexpected number of people in the room revealing their unremovable scare, my friend told me she just sat there in horrid awe.
How could it happen so often?
The stories were heartbreaking in their own way. Each different from the next, with different results, journeys, prosecutions and situations.
One out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime
17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.
9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.
In 2007, there were 248,300 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. That number doesn’t even include victims 12 years old or younger.
60 percent of the time, the crime goes unreported.
And about 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.
Sexual assault: unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling.
Rape can occur when the offender and the victim have a pre-existing relationship or even when the offender is the victim’s spouse. It does not matter whether the other person is an ex-boyfriend or a complete stranger, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex in the past.
If it is nonconsensual this time, it is rape.
Source: www.rainn.org
We’ve heard the numbers. We’ve heard stories. But the last time someone said to you they’d been assaulted, did you scrunch your face up and pretend to empathize, because, well, you don’t know her like I do and she was probably asking for it or because, she’s a drama queen and just trying to draw attention to herself.
Or did you tell a story trying to out-do her in horrible experiences to show what she went through wasn’t that bad.
As someone who hasn’t reached the point where she can talk about her experience to many, I can tell you, sympathy isn’t what I’m looking for if I do breakdown and share my story.
What I need to hear, still, is that it wasn’t my fault. It’s the guy who did this that is the scumbag and dirty and not me. That it wasn’t my fault. That it wasn’t my fault.
And I can honestly say, I wish I could meet him again briefly. So I can ask his forgiveness for hating him with every fiber of my being so intensely for so, so, so long.
Renaissance Fair
New car!
I got a new car! yay! Well, it’s new to me. 
It’s a 2006 Nissan Xterra. Looks brand new though. I’ve had my old car for seven years. This is only my second car ha!
Seriously, all the moments that have made me feel like a group up, this was definitely one of them. I was signing my life away going oh my gosh I’m an grownup haha, funny how I still feel those moments.
It’s a smooth ride, and it has cruise control which is freakin amazing haha seriously will make those trips back home much easier.
Mom asked what I wanted for Christmas, honestly, the real stuff I want is too expensive, full-faced helmet for the motorcycle, a SLR digital camera and a Mac laptop.
I don’t think I’m going to tell her I want to get a license to carry a gun and a gun. Don’t think my parents would be too thrilled about that, even though my dad has a gazillion of them.
Maybe a new tattoo?? haha, don’t see them funding that idea any time soon. Still really wanting a bare tree and a typewriter.
Happy, gag
I’m so freakin happy with this person I’m making myself sick.
Seriously? Who am I? Abigail? (kidding darlin, but seriously)
It’s been so long since I’ve actually been in a freakin relationship, and I’ve dated a hell of a lot of assholes, it feels weird to be in what’s probably, a normal relationship.
Yes, we’ve had a few small fights. While the other person handled them wonderfully. I handled them like I always do, bottle it up inside until the other person pulls it out Typical me.
I’ve never thought I would be such a sap. Not joking. I am fully aware of what a sap I’m being in this. But I’m so freakin happy I can’t help it haha.
In other news, my cough – which has lasted more than a month now – hasn’t gone away so I called my doctor again who is now sending me to a lung specialist – which all in all, makes me a little nervous, not gonna lie. Just the idea, I guess, that my regular doctor hasn’t been able to find anything ya know?
Christmas is coming up, I’m such a scrooge. Haven’t even made it through Thanksgiving yet, another holiday I hate – have I mentioned how much I hate holidays enough yet. They’ve always been a source of pain, emotional havoc, fights, pettiness, materialism … ugh makes me sick thinking about it. Makes me sick seeing all the Christmas decorations up already too sheeeeeesh
You know what I want for Christmas, my best friends in the same room with me. That would be freakin awesome. Seriously.
breakdown
Wow, I kind of had a breakdown last night. Not sure where that came from. I think maybe it’s the combination of not sleeping well the night before, being on four different strong medications right now and a recent emotional roller coaster ride with someone close.
You know, I thought moving out of Sims Street – my lovely year experience living with eight people – was going to remove large amounts of stress out of my life.
While the stress is gone – ’cause lets be honest, there is no way to avoid it in a house that large – but I’m feeling a new level of loneliness.
I miss waking up and coming home to a house full of people, the weekend events, our dinners together, even the dreaded house meetings that honestly felt like torture sometimes. I really, really miss the prayer meetings together. When we took time to reflect in God, played with the chickens, even cleaned the house together.
Remember John leading the prayer meeting over yoga? That was awesome.
My room mates now are never home, and we haven’t quite formed the bond I’m looking for. I thought getting a puppy would help with the loneliness factor I feel at my house now, but you guys saw how that turned out.
My best friends are in Washington, just got married, Dallas and Thailand.
I’m happy and proud of all of them, but damn I miss them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still with my Beautiful Someone, and that person is amazing, seriously. But that person is fixing to switch to working 7 p.m. to 3 a.m. with Sundays and Mondays off. So I’ve got to get back into the swing of building stronger relationships with different friends to build a closer friendship so I don’t go crazy the rest of the time that person is at work.
On another note, Christmas list is going to include a gift certificate to someplace so I can get a bloody massage. My back has never been so knotted up and I know it’s because I can’t quit coughing. Also, gift certificate to Pro Cuts. I am not used to having to get my hair cut so much. Sheesh, only haggle of short hair.
Day 3 of officially quitting smoking. For real this time. I had two cigs the first day, and one yesterday. Good way to start out. It’s hard, and still early, but I’m really determined this time.
I should be working and I’m blogging … so I’ll get back to work now.
Love and miss you everyone,
<3 C
Distance
I wonder how much relationships, life, circumstances, feelings would change if distance wasn’t an issue.
If we could close our eyes and suddenly be home, how much relationships with family members would change. Or if missed opportunities wouldn’t have slipped by because someone lives too far away to see often. With a blink of an eye, being able to stand before your best friend, whether she’s gotten married and moved, moved for school or decided to hop and skip over seas.
How would we change as people? Would who I am be different if certain connections were stronger? Would it weaken the strength we get from meeting new people? Would we hang onto the past instead of moving forward?
Or would we fall in love easier and with the right person? Would be more likely to have lasting relationships? Or would the instant connectivity dampen those connections?
Divide
It feels really weird, strange, painful, to be in a position where I have to keep such a large secret.
It hurts my heart to know the people who love me most would likely have the biggest problem with it if they knew.
I’ve had my share of good reactions/bad reactions already to people who’ve found out. There are some people I may never tell. Then again, it’s painful not to share this. I’ve been lectured, cheered, some have lost respect for me and others are just happy that I’m finally happy.
And while you’re happiness should depend on what makes you happy, I know, it’s hard when you know it would cause so much pain to others.
Friday!
I could not be happier it’s Friday. Seriously.
It’s been one of the longest, hardest weeks ever. Even though I only get a one-day weekend, I’m grateful.
Someone commented that I’m in my “honey-moon” phase right now with my Special Someone” – that’s cute. Pretty sure I could just stay in that phase haha. Oh man, I’m super cheesy right now. Trust me, I’m gagging my self over how “cute” we’re being 
I should be going Halloween costume shopping tonight. No, I’m not big into dressing up. Haven’t done it in a looong time. But that certain someone could not be more excited about this. We’ve already done pumpkin carving (which was a blast) and plan to do it again tonight. I know, we’re rebels.
I miss Janet terribly. If any of you aren’t following her blog, it’s under Phelps Pilgrimage on the left. It’s nice to see the photo updates. As soon as I can figure out how to download skype I’m on it.
Abigail, where ever you are, you need to come see me too.
Mom’s itching for me to come home and see them. I’m not ready for it. Emotionally.
I’m attempting to keep things from bursting the bubble around me and the Special Someone because I fear there are some toxic fumes that could hurt us both.
For everyone freaking out, I deleted my Facebook. I did not de-friend you I’m keeping my work one, though. Not much on it except work information. I post my stories pretty regularly on them.
Sorry, I know this is kind of bland. Just wanted to check in with the world
<3
Niko
So I just had the emotional strength to take these photos off my camera.
R.I.P. Niko <3
